Samhuinn 2013 <3 Mreeeow!
Posts tagged me.
My average weekend. Lovely people, mental costumes <3
Photos of Samhuinn 2013 by Heidi Korkala of Photo Point.
Look what we did on Thursday night :) See if ya can spot me (black and white ….) xx Happy Samhuinn!
This picture scares me so much. It is literally the inside of my head, it portrays mental illness so well and accurately that it actually scares me. I saw the caption saying the bottom-left one is anxiety but I think it’s suicide. I had the exact same look on my face when I was contemplating whether to take the pills or not, you can see the feeling of no hope and giving up on life. Depression in the top-left. The creepy smile portrays perfectly how evil and horrible depression is, like it’s out to get you and destroy your life. Anorexia next to depression. They have the same smile, like it’s happy it’s completely ruining you. The eyes on both of them show pure wickedness but also that they’re enjoying it, and they’re staring right at you. Bulimia next to the fridge. The face is exactly what I look like trying to eat as much food as I can but also on the verge of tears at the same time. The closed eyes and tongue make me think of all the times I’ve looked like that, like a pig. Self harm on the bottom right. Closest to me, always whispering and telling me to cut. The same eyes and creepy smile of depression and anorexia, it wants me to cut. It will laugh, put me down and destroy me so I do cut. Then there’s me. In the middle of them all. Having to constantly listen to all of them all day, telling me to do what they want, putting me down, hurting me. And not being able to do anything about it. I can’t escape what’s in my mind.
Old photo that I really like. Looks like a different person… So strange.
I know a few people on here I would do this for.
This is so spot on. Ralph tries really hard to help me through times when I feel like this but he hasn’t quite cottoned on that I don’t KNOW what I want or how I feel and sometimes a shoulder or someone to hold space is the most precious thing he could give. It is hard to see a loved one feel this way and enter this kind of space, you can feel hopeless or useless. Simple things help x
So life is revolving ever faster, ever purer and ever brighter. India has been everything I expected and nothing at the same time. The chaos brought about by the crazy unorganised routines of the people here has stopped getting to me and I am now at ease in my inner calm when faced with nagging rickshaw drivers, chai wallas and desperate beggars. I have been on the road in this epic country for just over 2 months now and am settled nicely by the beach in Agonda in Goa for the next few days. Rest and recuperation is in need and fits in well with the festive season. My mind is in a constant battle with itself as it takes in the wonder, the colour and experience and at times the overwhelming surge of emotion brings me to tears. As though I was in a dream, so many new and unusual events going on in all directions every moment of the day. From the large water buffalo bathing in holy ganga after a mud bath on the ghats, to the unusual arrangement of thousands of enormous boulders dotted with ancient ruined rubble at Hampi, I have seen it all you could say. Disfigured and disabled beggars scraping through the poverty that is their daily lives and living off what the more fortunate throw to them from the train windows. Mangy dogs and flea infested kittens fighting with each other for scraps in the rubbish litter the streets and all around, through all of this life goes on at a steady pace. The people here seem comfortable in the absence of organised structure and it gives them something to talk about other than the weather. The world here is so beautiful, the nature retains its glory even with the plastic invading. The heart of the jungle brings large monkeys, leopards and an exotic array of stunning bird life which are at arms length each day. Palms trees offer me shade from the heat of the southern sun and the sweetest water to rehydrate my body and mind. I love India, it’s culture, it’s colour and it’s bursting new energy. The ancient vibes are all around for those adventurous enough and silent enough to notice it.
In a few weeks I’ll be ready to post the travel blog online so I will leave you with that when it comes. love and light to all, I am forever thinking of those special people I have met on here who have guided me over the past two years and without who’d I would not be as open and happy in the world.
Namaste, Om Shanti
Its funny being back home now, a new home, trying to create a life with more structure and solidity. It is unusual to see how manic my mind is, how crazy and chaotic it has become since settling - like my physical state and mental state are at polar opposites. I am afraid of something. Although I can’t quite pinpoint it I feel it. I need change, real change, positive change. Something to get me out from this hole I have crept into these passed few months. Tomorrow I embark on an adventure with a special group of brothers and sisters, No family I call them. My soul family. We delve into the woods to explore nature and ourselves, to play and laugh and love and test and eat and spoon. This is my turning point, this is my climax, this is when I embrace positive change. I embrace positive change. I am the master of my reality. I accept responsibility in being the best version of myself. I commit to perfect health.
In Lak’ech x